another look

i want my mind to stop spinning and sticking with these sicken sinful thoughts. i want to really say i grew up instead of saying i'm tired of throwing up physically and mentally after hearing and seeing some of the things in my life. maybe i haven't been exposed or seen as much horror in my life as some of ya'll but i still say mine comes close in certain junctions in the chain of the scheme of things. so tired that i want a quick end but cause of chivalry i wanna prolong it to a slow agonizing death just so the ones i care for can have a good life. stretching myself over this sacrificial stone for no apparent reason accept just cause it sounded like the best thing at the time. a quick minute to be recognized and adored right before i let em slam the sword through my back pinning me. there's nothing i can do now cept carry it to my grave. the weight of others lies and truths i carry willingly cause of this self righteous view i carry. the light is right and dark is wrong regardless until i stumbled into the gray and lost my way. now i see the world as a hungry endless beast just waiting to devour any pour lost soul or twisted one for that fact. its chain is wrapped tight around all of our throats tinged a sickly green that we come to accept as life instead of poison that it is. we hunger for it more and more even though its value lessens each turn of the clocks ticking. so sicken but what else can we do? but i'm rambling a bit now let me get back to why i'm so sick. been standing still telling the world i'm makin moves and only stepping left n right in short lil spurts always seem to land right back in the same spot even after makin changes to extend my steps. i keep reaching but it seems i keep slipping further down into oblivion even though the light is shining right in my face. so should i give up or just change tact? fall back or relax n let my mind clear? i don't know cause right now this weight is crushing me and the only escapes i see is a new found enslavement or death which both seems repulsive to me. but then again our lives are based on living with taken the lesser evil to get to the greater good. if i think about its like living in a war torn hood where allies change with convenience of whats offered to help along your cause. so i'm take a quick pause to retreat into my tormented mind and see if this hazy maze can offer up any fleeting thoughts of momentary peace.